The Wrong Trousers

There are some amazingly good looking people in Bondi Beach, mainly wearing low key yet achingly hip clobber.

But there are also a lot of men wearing speedos – so it balances out. They wear these speedos proudly, often with words across the top of their taught, toned buttocks spelling out the name of the life surf saving club they belong to; Icebergs, North Bondi. Some – inexplicably – have the words 'budgie smugglers.' Please explain?

You do also get some real glamour pusscats teetering along on wedges, for-display-only bikinis and sunglasses with lenses the size of dinner plates. But the other day I saw something so wrong,so pointless - even more inexplicable than bird trafficking swim wear.

It was a pair of trousers that even Wallace and Gromit wouldn't even try to fix. They were lime green, high-waisted net affairs. The weave of the net was large, so each hole was the size of a 5 cent piece. They afforded no sun protection, no modesty, no warmth and definitely no impression that the wearer had a functional brain. It looked like her legs had been attacked by an angry neon fisherman's net still going through its 80s rave phase.

It certainly put the speedos into perspective.