Wishing you both the best of luck

Was listening to Radio One the other day. There was a competition, a radio phone in, with two contestants. The DJ, Sarah Cox, said, 'Best of luck to you both.'

And I've been thinking about it ever since. It is something you hear quite a lot, on game shows, Pop Idol and IACGMOFH. But how can the presenter or the DJ or whoever wish all the contestants luck.

If you dont believe in luck, it could be just a nice thing to say to nervous people. A way of saying, 'I dont have favourites.'

But if you do believe in luck, believe it is a real force in the world that affects the outcome of competitions, job interviews, bets, then surely it is impossible to wish all contestants luck. If you wished them all the same amount of luck then it cancels itself out.

There is no point in saying it. Revelation - a Radio DJ says something that has no point - whatever next.

Daily Mail Reader in Self Abuse Shocker

As part of this course we have been advised to read a wide variety of newspapers so we can gain a broad view of the media and get to grips with different styles of writing aimed at different audiences.

So on Saturday, I sat in the Gyllyngvase Beach Café and read a day-old Daily Mail. They were banging on about this new anti-debt campaign the Tories have launched aimed at young people. They are asking them to Ignore the Tosser Inside. Which I agree, Littlejohn, is nauseating. It is like those Maths problems we used to get at school which said,

'Ertan wants to go and watch a Michael Jackson concert with his friend Raj. How much change will he get from... '

Yeah those inner city kids won't notice they are doing Maths if we mention Michael Jackson. But I digress.

The column included a little fact box in the corner of the page explaining that a tosser referred to a person who carried out the act of masturbation.

The columnist was up in arms about the whole thing, mainly because he could not believe they were bandying around a word based on, wait for it, an act of self abuse. I nearly choked on my pint. Self abuse! What century are they living in. No wonder there are huge swathes of the population wracked with guilt about sex, who can only find an outlet in reading the Daily Mail and getting a semi by peering guiltily into the sordid lives of others.

An act of self abuse for me is reading the stupid paper.

To find the article put Littlejohn and Tosser into Google.

In the Nick name of time

One of my classmates emailed me today, called me Snow (as my last name is white or equivalent) which set me thinking about nick names. I've never really had one. Jen Jen at one point at university (yuk) or The Jenster in Namibia - liked that.

But do these count? A true nickname can't just be your first name with a few twiddles, can it?

It can be to do with your apperance....
There was a guy at school called Edward who we all called Mike. He had the most perfectly round afro, just like a microphone.
Piglet was an unfortunate girl who really did look like a small blonde pig
Bam - Was Fat Bam. He was a big lad.

Or it can be do do with your last name...
In our english class we had three Mark's. There were
Nish Nash Nosh - Mark Nash
Bish - Mark Bishop
Keri ac coo, Keri ac coo, Keri ac coo for Mark Kiriacou

Or your actions....
Windy - farted. A lot.
The Pieman - ate. A lot.
The Happy Hindu - smiled. A lot. This Asian kid, was actually a Christain, but the name stuck.

Come to think of it, it was mostly the boys that had nicknames. Wonder why?

Pasty or Party

Using predictive text on my phone, party comes up as pasty. I can't imagine that pasty is a more common word than party. I am wondering if it is because I am in Cornwall, if there is some regional dictionary taking control of my phone. I'll try it in London, see whats what.

Also Pint, Shot and Riot come up in that order, which I quite like.

All the Gest

I was watching I’m a celebrity get me out of here last night. I know I know, I’m meant to be a writer; I’m meant to be filling my brain with high fal-ut-ing literature of the highest calibre and shunning the flickering box, but I’d had a journey from hell coming back from London on Tuesday and I just needed to switch off, eat curry and drink beer.

But now I am totally hooked, mainly because of David Gest. I only know David as the 6th or 16th husband of Liza Minnelli – was he famous before? Anyway he comes off really badly in the press, who just hate him. I had assumed that because he had made himself look so hideous via the magic of plastic surgery that he would be shallow, mean and generally an idiot.

But he is actually coming across really well (or as well as a person can come across on these types of programs) in the Jungle. He seems like he has a cracking sense of humour, he seems open, quirky, interesting and even quite brave. He will endure much to get his hands on a cupcake. Far better than Cherrie’s half sister, that wet sock of a woman, Lauren Booth.

It got me thinking, I would be ashamed to my pinko liberal roots if I prejudged someone because of their colour, race, or on a more superficial level if they had a big nose or loads of spots. So why had I, and I suspect most of the Heat reading world judged Gest so harshly? Was it really just because he looks strange? It just opened my eyes, that’s all, maybe I am not as open minded as I thought I was.

Bird gets Man Flu

I'm back

Just survived a stinking cold that has made me feel like a human kleenex, it got so bad that over the weekend I thought I might have Man Flu; we all know how bad that is.

Come to think of it, it could be the next pandemic health threat, if Man Flu mutated into a strain that women could catch.

But never fear, turns out I was to be spared.

My boyfriend asked me, 'Do you feel like you are going to die?'

I said, 'I just feel rotten.'

'It's not man flu then.' he said

Bless you